I have a problem. It's that I don't know what love is. Well, really, it wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't feel compelled to understand it so that I may return the favor of loving someone.
I love you.
What is the appropriate reaction to this if you don't feel the same way?
Perhaps this is what your reaction should NOT be (something like this.)
"Don't say that." and then hide your head behind your hands and in the neck of your sweater.
That said, I found myself fending off future "attacks from the love monster", but found better ways to ward it off:
"I've never been in love."
"I don't know what love is."
"I DO love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you."
"You have beautiful eyes."
Reactions to the discussion about the one-sided love progress in such a fashion:
"I'm sorry I make you sad."
"Your situation would make anyone sad."
"But I hate to see you sad."
"I'm sad because I love you."
"Aww (awkward smile followed by awkward hug and non-committal kiss)."
He says: Communicate better.
I say: I don't know how I'm feeling.
He says: When I ask you what you want me to do; stay or go, you say I don't know."
I say: That means stay or go, whatever makes you happier. I don't want to hinder you; I don't want you to change your life because of me.
we've never had a passionate kiss, because I'm not in passionate love.
I hope he never finds these journal entries. They would make him sad, and it hurts me to see him cry. (I had an urge to write "I love him" here, in this space. Instead) He doesn't make me feel safe, but he has so much kindness in his face.
I want to write a book. I sit here, lethargic and unmotivated, unsure about the direction am heading and oddly unperterbed by this. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow and I don't really care. Mostly I don't care because I have taught myself not to care. To hope, to dream of a future is always to imagine an illusion of the days to come that is never fulfilled in the manner I see it in my minds eye, so why dream of it at all? I also don't care because tomorrow will be much like today. I will assert myself in the areas I have learned are important, but will withhold any amount of enthusiasm about it. I will go through the motions and I won't care. I don't care about tomorrow because I don't care whether tomorrow comes. When one is limping through life, one half wishes that someone would break your good limb or lop you off at the hip: at least then a fair excuse for your pathetic apathy will arise.
In a positive and beautiful relationship I am completely unsatisfied. I am the heart breaker; the one who looks away when he says he loves me. The one who loathes the idea of giving myself up to someone who genuinely cares for every inch of me. I feel only shame when he gives up everything to soathe my sores and my constant racing headache: a self-loathing fueled by the fact that I know I will never return his love and I will act only as a receptale for his feelings; a giant trash can that you can fill with the most beautiful trinkets, yet it remains a container for refuse. I get the throw aways. Throw away. Throw your tongue into my mouth, all of you into all of me and I will give you only momentary bliss and a bosom for your head.
I'm sorry. I'm in love with someone else.
I realized just a few minutes ago that I am no longer a member of the political far left. This has been happening gradually, but it hit me with force today when i ran into members of the Burlington ISO, a group I was once a member of, and thought they were pretty whacked, way too militant, and had their hopes set so unreasonably high that i felt the urge to laugh. Changes.
I won't sign online progressive petitions because I'm worried they'll jeapordize my ability to work in government structures in the future. I sometimes wonder what effect working at a place called "peace and justice" will have on my future. I'm become what I always hated: a moderate. Moderate because I don't really know what's going on at all, and think anyone that has a incling of "the whole truth" has personally crucified their reputuation in my eyes. If you think you have answers, you are crazy.
I'm feeling heartbroken right now. It's been almost 2 months since I last spoke to Shane and instead of it getting easier as time passes, it is getting harder. Sometimes I lay in bed and imagine he's holding me. But, not really him. More like, the person I imagined he was. I accepted my enrollment at UMASS and will be starting as a STPEC major in the fall. I'm also moving into an apartment in the North End of Burlington tomorrow with a 31 year old Bryn Mywr graduate who studied subsharan African anthropolgy, and her calico cat. It's about 15 minutees walk from work and my room is HUGE. We even have a little back yard and a huge shared living space. It's fully furnished and happens to be low income housing, so it's only 420 a month, which is outrageously cheap in Burlington. Also, I get half a share of veggies from a local farm all summer FOR FREE!! Alison, my roomate, sounds great. I know we'll get along fine because she has both Scrabble and Boggle: the dream games of nerds like us. (she also has a game called Voltaire!)
Work is fine. It's loosing it's newness. You are all always welcome in my new "home".
I'm so horribly lonely and alone. I think that's one way my monsters get in. I need someone to hold me when they come. someone who doesn't think i'm crazy and just wants me to be alright. someone that isn't one of my parents. my heart is aching. i so badly want to be in a mutually loving relationship. being so alone, so empty and so afraid and so tortured, it hurts my soul. i need someone to love my soul. maybe it is ture that love can conquer even the most horrible of foes. this is the most horrible foe i have known. i have never met anyone that i thought could make it stop. i didn't believe anything could make it stop. now i think i do. i have had a new experience which, while horrifically painful, has opened my heart in all these fantastic ways. i feel like i have gained such a capacity for kindness and love. or, giving love. i can never accept love. i think i harbor a deep seated belief that i am unworthy of love. i have only once let someone behind my curtain of self defense. and he violated my deepest trust. but it's alright. i want someone else to get under my shell as well. i need someone to if i want to survive. people so loudly tout the importance of independence, but i disagree. it is codependence that creates beauty. not dependence, but mutual dependence on each other. links to a chain; if one suffers, the other links must help that link, not merely stay strong, for then the link will break and the whole chain will disappear. as it should be. things in life can batter our souls, torture our basic being, deny us peace, but as long as there are people to keep us safe, and that we will keep safe in return, we can live. i must believe this.
ghosts aren't real, but the one's in my mind are.
i don't believe in an interventionist God, but please, please pray for them to stop. I don't know what else to do anymore.
I'm going out for the Pioneer Valley Roller Derby teams this fall. I've already started practicing and I went 4 miles on my rollerblades today.
I'm transferring to UMASS in the fall. See you all then if not before.
I'm upset about the France elections. The LAST thing we need is another superpower with a right-wing leader.
Also, I just had a MHC moment during which I said "I left my computer cord in the Library" when I meant to say I left it in the shed. Ahhh, MHC.
I'm at Mount Holyoke now visiting. It's been nice so far, but hectic. Full of people, obviously. But I need down time; some time for myself. I'm in the Dick computer lab and the girl next to me is trying to print, but the printer's on the fritz. I had breakfast with tracy this morning and I'm going into NoHo this afternoon. MArit and I just pitched a tent in the backyard. I need a breather. It's hard to go from basic solitude and loner status to going out, meeting new people, and being manicly happy. It's draining on the mind.
As far as romance. Standstill. Shane is shipping to Japan for 3 years and suddenly it's as if my world fell down. I feel abandoned in a way and I suppose sometimes I feel, selfishly, that I should come before work. But I don't know where he's coming from or what he's thinking. It's difficult to not make assumptions because his mood and actions and words towards me fluctuate so rapidly. I should hear the warning bells, and I do, but I'm not listening. I don't want to, because they might just be trying to get me down.
I've had some new drugs added to my cocktail which now includes 5 seperate medications and 7 daily dosings, plus "as needed." I'm starting to feel better since we started the Paxil about a month back, but my mind still feels out of my control. It seems to go and go when i want it to be quiet. It gives me no peace, no time to just "be" quiet or still. It ravages me without end. Hopefully something will be found to make it stop; I need that so badly.
I'm going to Ireland on Wednesday for a week. My mom and I are going to be staying in and around Cork. I'll be staying with my friend Caitlin for most of the time. My greatest wish right now is to be able to rent mopeds and ride along the cliffs above the sea (ahhhh....) in a "Waking Ned Divine" type setting, only fully clothed.
alright. Well, I suppose that's all right now. Oh wait! MY Dad had to go into the hospital after he tried to kill himself. He hurt his back really badly about 2 months ago falling off a roof (he sheared off some vertebrae) and he's been wearing a brace and he's been in a lot of pain. Also, he's been trying to get back together with my Mom, almost begging, and I'm stuck in between this lovely situation. Poor Pops. Poor Mom.
While the rest of the table discussed the secondary embarrassment they feel when watching George Bush address the nation, my friend Chris and I engaged in a 2 hour long conversation that focused on Philosophy, but delved into all academic realms.
I discussed the recent months of my life to him; the constant terror of suicide, the deconstruction of everything around me, the deconstruction of my own existence, and the complete destruction of my well being. He told me that if you look into the "bottomless abyss" you are very brave but you better have a hell-of-a-lot of self confidence. And obviously, when you deconstruct the ego to the extent that you destroy your concious grasp of your existence, you do not have the self confidence necessary (or any self confidence) to support yourself while you get sucked into the hole. I suppose there was the problem. I got thrown in and I didn't have the necessary assets to keep me alive in there.
Chris is a Political Science Professor, but I can't even remember for which college. He tried to convince me that H2O and water were two completely different things: H2O of the world of Science, Water of our everyday world. But I disagree. While they may be percieved differently (if I say "water" to you and "H2O" to a scientist, you may picture completely different things in your mind) but, to someone with absolutely no knowledge of the world of either science or "our world," or langauge, but had the five senses with which to percieve, a puddle of water and a puddle of H2O would be the same.
Chris argued against this. That if there is no conception of what is, then there is no "it." It becomes nothing. I don't quite understand this arguement, because it seems clear to me that even if someone had no conception of "water" they could still see it, touch it. They could still recognize the fact that puddle A looked like puddle B, felt like puddle B.
Then we talked about the noexistence of "nothing" and of "zero." We both agreed that both these concepts were impossible in our dimension.
We discussed ethics, mathematics, existentialism, and that shit feeling of being lost inside your head. He said to me, and I could not agree more (in fact, I had said the same thing earlier that day), that Philosophizing in the antithesis of living. It is existing and living inside one's head instead of existing and living and communicating with the world around you. How true is that?
He told me toward the end of our conversation that he had absolutely no answers and that if I had come to find them I was talking to the wrong guy. I told him that if he thought he had answers, he would be forming a religion and nothing more, and I didn't need another person in the world trying to convince me of their personal dogmas.